have a little faith (in me)

i need to remember...

to one day ask josh, did i ruin your life?

do crappy first gos deserve second chances? so many people say NO, but not me. same with people changing. "he'll never change," they say. but i've changed. it's been slow, but i have. it's not over yet, but it's happening. so why do people insist on the fact no one ever changes? i don't get that. please tell me if you do.

and what about life? do you remain the exact same person throughout the course of your entire life? of course not. why do we go to school? why do we fall in love? why do we change jobs? why do we have children? why do we travel? why do we pray? if life isn't a constant personal evolution, then i don't know what it is. if it isn't, we should all be sitting in caves. or floating around in petri dishes.

i need to start carrying a journal with me. i've tried many times before to do this, but never keep it up in the end. i need to start keeping up with it.

i get scared when i read articles or things on the internet about second chances being a bad idea in general. i need to believe in the possibility of a second chance. i know how i feel is not for nought. i feel what i do for a reason. perhaps leaving the past behind me is necessary, but can't a new beginning happen with someone from the past? i think so. i hope so.

i cheated on josh a month or so after we met. i told him about it right away, believing he'd break up with me. i don't know if i was testing him, being a bitch (or both), or if i wanted the relationship to end before it started. maybe i have underlying issues (maybe???), and cheating on him was me telling myself i didn't deserve what he was offering me, what i saw our relationship becoming. who knows. all i know is, as soon as he got angry, called me a pig, slut, whore, cried, hung up the phone and refused to take my calls or answer my e-mails. i rushed to the subway and to his house, knocked on the door, breathless, hopeful, and knew as soon as i saw him standing there in the doorway, eyes red, dissheveled, that i was going to get another chance.

so maybe what i'm asking for is really a third chance, or a fourth, or fifth, or sixth... whatever the number, it's something i need to believe in. it's actually something i need to focus on in order to keep trying to get better, to improve myself, my health, my emotions, my mind, my heart, my moods, my migraines, my panic, my fears, and everything else that i want to change about me.

change. see? it happens. people change. i will change. for the better.