new year, new hat

today starts a new year for me...

this blog, for example. it's just a free, standard blog, but if i can write in it, it's good enough for me. not that i haven't been writing for years and posting to the internet... it just felt like a good day to start fresh. i'm supposed to be starting a few things "fresh" today, and some are a lot harder than others. example? i can't talk to jp anymore. ever. our "break up" has dragged on (for me) for nearly two years now, and it has to stop. i'm not blaming any of this on him; i was the one who chose not to let go... maybe i didn't know how to let him go. not sure i do today, but i had to pick a day to start this. i'm heartbroken, but i need to sit with the feeling until it gets better. i hope it gets better. soon.

i'm scared he's already pursuing someone else. actually, i know he is. until my sister changed his facebook password on the weekend, i was able to log in to his profile and see who he was chatting with. there's this one girl... he met her at a halloween party last friday night. i don't know her, so i won't pass judgement, but when it comes to him... i just can't picture him with anyone but me. i know i'm not special or unique in this. i know tons of other people must feel the same way about their exes. but that doesn't make the feeling any better. i won't lie - i hope she doesn't like him back.

lately, i've been feeling like writing a lot. two articles i pretty much wrote for a couple of friends have recently been published, one in wedluxe and the other in chatelaine. when i read these pieces, the writing is mine. i remember the words, i remember fitting them together just so, i remember going back and carefully massaging both pieces until they were (in my mind) perfect. and then they were published and someone else got the byline. why am i so scared to try? why am i so sure none of my pitches would be accepted? i need to push myself harder from now on, in order to be where i want to be with my writing. that's another fresh start that begins today.

so, a new blog, moving on, and pushing my career forward - things i am indifferent to, sad and fearful of, and excited about, all at the same time.