i can make you scared

i know i contradict myself. all. the. time.

i remember, in high school and early university, describing myself as a contradiction. i've always felt my insides don't match my outsides. days on which the depression is too heavy to shake, i find myself wishing to be hideous in appearance, so everyone would just leave me the fuck alone.

such is my current emotional state, and my feelings about the past.

contradiction #1: i want him back and i don't want him back at the same time.
contradiction #2: i know i should be living in the present, but i keep slipping back into the past.
contradiction #3: i am technically single, but i definitely do not feel that way. i seriously do not want to change my relationship status on fb to "single." when i do, and i look at it for a moment, it looks wrong. so i change it back to nothing.
contradiction #4: i know i am fine by myself and am strong enough to do anything i want alone, but i still feel the pressure to find a partner. and soon.
contradiction #5: i know i'm a good person (i don't need you to tell me i'm "a great girl" anymore; besides, you use those words like spare change and so they are meaningless... though they used to mean the whole world to me), but i hate myself anyway.
contradiction #6: i know i'm a strong, good, amazing writer, but i doubt anyone would ever publish me (until they do).
contradiction #7: i think i'm good enough; i don't think i'm good enough.
contradiction #8: i know what the right thing to do is, but i rarely do it (i should be like george and do the opposite).
contradiction #9: like everyone, i give others advice but never take my own to heart.
contradiction #10: some days, i want to throw myself in front of a bus (and i take stupid risks all the time, like walking around sketchy areas alone at night, and crossing right in front of traffic) because i can't bare the thought of facing another 50 years or so of this bullshit and sadness and pain, but i really do value life and i do have hopes for the future and dying young seems a tragedy.
contradiction #11: i remember feeling the chemistry and the butterflies that go along with meeting someone new and connecting on that higher plane, and i definitely want to feel it again, but i am terrified and have pretty much sabatoged every single opportunity that's been presented to me in the last couple of years.
contradiction #12: speaking of sabatoge, if i want and have always wanted to be in a serious, committed relationship (and i did, and do), why the fuck do i proceed to fuck up a good thing each and every time?
contradiction lucky #13: i don't want my writing to be sad and self-serving all the time, but the only time i feel like writing is when i'm feeling depressed and attention-starved.

go figure. now, i'm off to the mall to get an orange julius and look at the puppies at the pet store (and feed the bunnies in the park on the way). see? i write about adorable, fluffy, squishy, delicious, happy things from time to time!