society says: single sucks

you know, more and more i am realizing people feel really fucking sorry for you when you're single. more than that, you make them feel lucky that they never have to go through what you're going through again.

yesterday, lolly and jen and i walked to the mall at lunch. it was day 2 of my "moving on" plan. jen was talking about her boyfriend, lolly about her husband. i don't remember how it came up, but, all of a sudden, we were talking about me. not meaning any harm, i'm sure, lolly proclaimed: "being single really sucks! i'm so happy i never have to be in that position again!" and jen piped in: "maybe this is a sign you should transfer to the other team. you know, lesbianism."

i don't even have any words.

i was angry, even though my friends did not mean to be unkind. i was sad, because i remember, like i always do, every moment, feeling the same way myself. thank god i have him. thank god i don't have to go on dates anymore or join lavalife or do speed dating or dress like a slut and go to bars to pick up. thank god i have someone who loves me waiting for me at home this very minute.

how can i blame them for feeling what they feel? it's true. being single absolutely sucks.

my only consolation? i don't want to meet anyone. i've already met the love of my life. i could never replace him, nor do i want to. i don't want anyone else's hands on me. i don't want anyone else knowing my thoughts. only him. so yes, i'm single by society's standards. but my heart's already been taken.

my mum is so afraid i am making a mistake. some days, i am, too.

but the truth is, i can't stomach the thought of anyone else. perhaps this feeling will pass. or maybe it won't. maybe i should get used to the word "spinster."

magazine articles about sassy, sensational, successful singles always have this air of desperation to them. they're not nearly as popular (or well-written) as love stories are.

i feel like if i had that part of my life taken care of - the relationship, commitment part - i could finally concentrate on the things i feel and know REALLY matter. my writing. my health. overcoming my depression. saving money. buying a home. it's a shame i realize and can see what's truly important, yet i can't seem to move past this roadblock - a HUGE obstacle in my mind and, clearly, in everyone else's minds, as well.

how fucking badly i wish things were different. if they can't be, could i at least have an ACCURATE crystal ball? i'm still waiting to find out WHY this happened to me. if everything happens for a reason, where's the reason for this mess i'm in? i want to know - what is it. i feel like i've waited a long time to find out.

i was looking randomly at other blogs on this site. and i found this entry, which describes the blogger's experience sitting at a cafe, observing the unfolding of a first date between two strangers. here's how she signs off:

"I left happy that I didn’t have to ever be in that situtation again..."

so who the fuck am i without someone? and what the fuck am i supposed to do about how i feel?

i know i made mistakes that seem to have largely contributed to my break up... but i've apologized and apologized, i've tried so hard to change things, i've made more mistakes in the process, but can't you see how hard i tried?

and still, i feel like i have nothing, cause i don't have you.