today is the greatest

not really true. although, the sky is blue-ish, and i feel like i haven't seen my old friend mr. sun in a while. so why do i feel so down? all week, i tried to put on my bravest face - at the gym, at work, at home - and keep all mysadness to myself (and my writing). today, i woke up in bed with tears streaming down my face. my pillow was soaked. i don't remember dreaming about anything, but i must have been dreaming something to make me cry like that in my sleep. once awake, i couldn't stop, and the tears turned to sobbing, and the sobbing to gasping, and the gasping to praying to a God i'm not sure exists outside of me or inside of me. but i had my face up to the ceiling and my hands clasped under my chin and i was begging Him to help me get through this, somehow. i know it's been two years, almost, since he left. but it feels like i'm only starting to understand he's gone. i asked God to bring the person i knew back to me, the person who loved me so much, who made me feel like the most important thing in the world and in his life. the person i treated so poorly until i realized i was losing him - and it was too late. i remembered waking up in my bedroom a few years ago, when jp and i first came to vancouver to visit my parents and sister. my mum had set up a little twin-sized bed in my room, beside my bed. jp was too big for it, it was very cute. one morning, i woke up, still hazy with sleep, and i called out, "marmot?" i'd been using the pet name for him for a couple days, since i'd explained to him the reason whistler was given it's name is because of all the whistling marmots that live on the mountain. so when i called out to see if he was up, he answered with a whistle. and it made my whole day, that day. how adorable my baby used to be, how much i loved him, even though i didn't always show it, and i got so angry, and i yelled at him, and i threatened to leave him, and i lashed out at him, and, worst of all, i hit him when i was panicking.

last night was carrie's going-away party and gissele's birthday, and it so happened they were having their separate events at the same bar downtown. i asked byron to give me a ride, and he said he'd pick me up at 8:30. maybe, subconsciously, i didn't want to go out, but i really thought i did. i spent the better part of the evening getting ready - moreso than i usually do - and i was playing music in my room and dancing around in my underwear, so it seems like i was excited about a night out with friends. 8:30 rolled around, and b didn't show up. i called him and he said he was trying to find his keys. 9, 9:30 - still no byron. finally, at 9:45, he called to tell me to come outside. but by that time, i'd lost my excitement, and i had already started to feel tired. my bed was looking awfully tempting at that point. but i was dressed and ready, so i went to the car and we drove downtown. it was so late by the time we got there, though, that there were no parking spots. and, when we finally did find a spot, the line to get into the club was around the corner. byron knew one of the bouncers, but he wasn't budging on letting us in. so we went down to another place for a drink, and then heading back to try our luck again. still the same - no entry. it was 11:30 and the line hadn't lessened - i guess if i'd been more into it, i would have stayed and we would have eventually made our way inside. but i really wasn't feeling it anymore at that point, and being downtown on a saturday night again simply reminded me of all the things i'd lost, and how i feel like i've been reduced to going clubbing again because of my situation. all i wanted was to be at home with you, watching movies, maybe going down to timmy's for an HC. holding hands on the way. laughing. i didn't want to be out, freezing without a jacket, getting sly looks from guys who had to be a decade younger than me. i'm still in love with someone from my past, and all i want to do is be with him. i don't want to play the victim, but it's so easy when it you're nin a situation you used to be thankful for being able to avoid.

anyway, you must have been in my dreams again last night. i feel bad for missing my friends' parties, but i feel worse for having to wake up alone, distressed, crying, and missing you as much as i did the very day you left, almost two years ago.

when will this end?