so christmas is over, and now i just have to get past new year's... and valentine's day... and my birthday... and christmas again...

anyway, i had a hard couple of days. one year ago, at christmastime, jp came over for a bit. i gave him presents to give his family, and he read the book i wrote for him. he cried a lot while he read it. then he grabbed me and we lay down on my bed together for a while. he kept looking into my eyes and pushing my hair back behind my ears. he said he'd come over to tell me something. i asked him what it was, preparing myself for the worst ("i have a new girlfriend"), but all he said was, "i just want you to know, i haven't given up on you, on us, yet."

it's one year later and things are stagnant. i know he's seeing new women, because he's told me. he gets mad at me from time to time, and tells me he never wants to see me again, let alone give us another chance. but after a few weeks he seems to forget these threats, and tells me he would like to see me again, except i need to know nothing is going to change between us.

dr. buttle told me yesterday the reason i feel stuck is i haven't been able to get angry about the whole thing. he asked me why, with all the emotions i have, anger isn't one of them. i gave the cliche answer, nothing profound: because i know what he's like inside, and what he's acting like now isn't really him, so i can't be mad at him.

dr. b. said if i don't get angry, and soon, i won't be able to move on, and i'll probably end up in another, similar relationship that ends in heartbreak.

if anyone reads this, here's my advice to you: if you currently have someone you love in your life, don't let them go. if they love you back, don't let them go. i know it's not always up to us, but if you're confused about your relationship, ask a third party for help, or talk to your partner about it, try and work things out. love is very rare. i'm not saying anyone should settle, but if there's any hope of your relationship surviving, don't let go until you're absolutely certain of your decision.

in my case, it wasn't up to me.

i'm pretty sure about my feelings, but maybe i am wrong. i wish it was easier for me to meet someone. it would be really nice to know i could feel this way about someone else.

why am i scared to live my life alone anyway? it's not that i'm especially eager to get married or have kids - the truth is, i am very indifferent to marriage, and kids seem really far off, if even possible, to me - it's more the feelings you have when you're in love. that's what i crave. just the feeling of it, the feeling you belong with someone, the knowledge someone's always going to be there, looking out for you.

i used to feel like jp's heart and mine were physically tied together, with strong or something. like a tin-can phone. and no matter where i went, how far apart we were (in terms of distance), i could always feel the tug on that string around my heart - josh reminding me he was there on the other end, mine, and waiting for me to come home.

we obviously no longer have that attachment. i hardly know anything about his life anymore, except what he chooses to tell me. actually, i feel like he knows nothing about my life anymore, because when we do talk, it's me who calls or e-mails, and that shows i'm interested in catching up, getting filled in, not vice versa.

i'm still hurting very badly. i don't know why - i mean, i know why. but, when people tell me i just need to let go and get on with my life, i wonder how, and what does that mean? if someone could tell me how not to feel what i feel, maybe i could try it. i know i can not call, not e-mail, not write about it, not talk about it - but does that make the feelings stop?

i don't know how this is going to end.

i hope 08 is a better year.