i went to see my shrink yesterday... yes, shrink. i'm past therapists and counsellors, for now. actually, i find him more helpful than therapists. he explains things to me in a very scientific/biological/logical manner, which surprisingly, i like. i respond well to it, though i'm so the opposite of logical.

anyway, we spent an hour yesterday during which i learned so much.

recently, a couple of my friends who read this blog have contacted me, worried because, when they read what i write, it seems to them i have not and am not moving on. and i don't blame them, though i try to explain i'm a writer, and when something bothers me, i write it down. as i once told a friend, i don't mind people reading my most private, inner thoughts, because to me, there's this inherent need to "publish" what i write - that is, to have others read my writing. otherwise, it's sort of a waste of time.

well, i know i write a lot about being heartbroken (still), and wanting things to change (still), but that doesn't mean i'm not moving on. it does, however, mean i'm human, and i can't be positive all the time. neither can i go without a bad day here and there. and, finally, of course i still miss and long for the person i loved so much and spent so much of my time with for the better part of four years. i can't just abandon all my memories and emotions from that time - i challenge anyone who's ever been in love to do so.

also, my shrink helped me to understand why my friends may be concerened, since it has been nearly two years since the break up. more importantly, he helped me understand why they're wrong in thinking i should be completely over it by now, should have met someone new by now, should not care anymore (as much as i do) by now. dr. b. actually told me, in his professional opinion, it makes perfect sense that i am still grieving, and now i'm going to attempt to explain to y'all why.

(ps. this is not a man who minces words with me. he is not coddling me or catering to my fantasies. he wants to help me understand my feelings as they are, not force me out of them. he thinks everything i am going through has a good explanation and, in time, things will change. they have changed, a lot, already.)

while every couple out there feels their relationship is closer than most, the truth is some people become naturally closer than others, relationship or not. there's something inherent between certain people that allows them to gain the sort of bond a mother has with her child. this can be described as one of those "sixth sense" things everyone's talking about these days.

now, being closer than most does not a good relationship make, necessarily. sometimes, it's possible to be too close to the object of your love. often, two strangers come together simply because the person they see is an identical reflection of themselves, like looking in a mirror, but not superficially. sometimes, we unconsciously choose a partner who has been through similar life experiences, who has experienced similar negative emotions, who has encountered the same developmental challenges as oureselves. their two lives may not resemble each other much historically, but the people they have become as a result of their life situations and enviroments are like identical twins.

dr. b. says josh and i shared this kind of rare closeness. i know with many (most - all) of my friends, i haven't given them an accurate sense of my relationship with josh. they simply feel i have been done wrong (and i have), maybe even that i did josh wrong (and i did), and we simply don't belong together - we're just not a good match. i'm sorry i gave the people who care about me this impression, because it couldn't be further from the truth. not that i believe we're a good match, but because things are much more complex than that - much more complex than they seem.

josh and i have always told each other we felt and feel exceptionally close. when i say he and i are "two peas in a pod," i don't mean we should be together. i mean we are the same person, with the same feelings, the same relationships, the same fears, the same joys, the same hopes, the same dreams. we are so alike it's scare, and it's no wonder i somehow recognized him in that crowd that very first night. looking at him - a total stranger - was like looking at my own reflection.

(i think paula abdul was being quite insightful when she sang "opposites attract." perhaps an even more ingenious song would have been "opposites are more likely to stay together.")

anyway, the first thing dr. b. and i talked about were my feelings, which so many people have told me are incorrect at this stage of the game - that is, i should have already moved on, i should be angry with my ex, and i shouldn't love him anymore or hope to have any sort of relationship with him in the future. on the contrary, dr. b. said he's not surprised that i am where i am, that i have the feelings i do, given the close nature of my failed relationship.

he pointed out that we've already discussed how i'm still feeling (despite trying my best in this new year to push the old feelings aside - and i have been pretty successful at doing this, and do feel much better for it): he said he still sees a lot of sadness, shame, humiliation, hurt, regret, and anger beneath my outward surface. in fact, he based all of this simply on the way i was sitting when i was in his office: edge of my seat, jacket still on, facing the window, as though i was about to leave, i wasn't there to stay.

i had initially expressed to him, when he asked how i'd been doing since my last appointment, that i'd been doing really well, happier than i've been in a long time, the kind of consistent sense of contentedness i've always tried to capture. i also said i partly gauged my good mood by the fact i haven't felt anxious and i haven't had a panic attack in a long time. i felt relieved (and still do) not to have to deal with these episodes of shear terror and panic - they take a lot out of me, physically and emotionally.

but dr. b. did not see this as the great news i felt it was. together, we decided my "i'm not here for long" attitude indicates i've been trying my best to stay busy and distracted, so as to not let certain emotions i've hidden below the surface break my "anxiety barrier." when these emotions, especially anger, rise above the barrier, that's when i am most likely to get anxious, most likely to panic. so my strategy has been to not express sadness, shame, hurt, and, most especially, anger.

if i stay busy, anger remains beneath my surface of emotions, and i appear to be more content than usual.

he said it's not a bad thing, but a coping mechanism. he also warned that squishing these feelings down may result in an even more epic panic attack at some point in the future, but not necessarily.

we agreed of all the emotions i have felt and feel since josh left, anger is the one i fear most, because with me, anger isn't simply getting mad, it's sheer rage, and it's destructive, and i often direct it at the wrong people.

he said i haven't yet gotten mad at josh. he asked me why.

"i'm not mad at him," i said.

TBC...