some people want it all

the other night, amber, sonya, giselle, tara and i went to glowbal for dinner. we were talking about the obvious fact that, of all our friends, we seem to be some of the few singles left. the conversation meandered, as conversations tend to do, weddings, and dresses, and rings...

i'm not sure i ever imagined myself having a wedding proper, being in a fluffy white gown, receiving a gigantic diamond. i hate having all eyes on me, and that's what i feel a conventional wedding would require. also, i have seen my friends try and plan their weddings, these big, elaborate, white events, and i am totally missing that gene. it doesn't interest me in the least. not to mention, i've been to my fair share of weddings now and, while i'm always happy for my friends who are getting married, each event is the same as the next (and the last). i can't imagine wanting or having a wedding for myself that resembles every other wedding i've been to. that's just not me.

as for rings, what's the point of spending so much money on something so disposable? i'd rather get an elephant. i'd name him stompy.

but this entry isn't about weddings, really, or rings, or dresses. it's about love, i guess, and what i want, what i know eachn of us ultimately wants, even the players who won't admit it. true love.

true love has got to be within each and every one of us. i know we all know this, and have heard it many times before (thanks, whitney), but i probably need to write it down from time to time in order to remind myself.

last night, i was talking to son on messenger. i was really upset - i think josh has a new girlfriend. it's so pathetic when i write it down, that, after two years, i am still driven to tears over this whole thing. but when i think about how many years, how much time and effort and love, the many, many apologies i put in to my relationship, i wonder how anyone expects me to move on. i mean, i expect myself to move on, but how? how do i let go of something i thought would always exist in my future and in my life? now, someone else will be holding his hand, lying next to him in his arms, comforting him, being comforted by him - basically, a new person takes my place now, and i don't know how anyone who's gone through a hard breakup deals with this awful feeling i have swirling around inside me now.

yes, it's been two years, and i can't lie, time has helped. it's been two years, and there have been others in between, for both of us, but this seems different, somehow, like it's more permanent for him. and i wonder, as the one out of the two of us who's been brave enough to face all her feelings and issues head on for the past couple of years, who's been through unbearable emotional pain, who's had to change her ways and life to try and make things permanently better, who's had to give up everything, it seems, to get away from the pain and the trauma, it only seems fair that i should have met someone first.

but, as sonya pointed out, life isn't fair, and often bad people receive more than good people, although it's very difficult for me to understand or imagine why and how that could possibly be.

it seems true, though.

funny, i bet if you asked josh who he thinks handled the break up better, he'd say he did. because he loved telling me and anyone who would listen that i went crazy after, and did things i shouldn't have done. he loves to tell me i crossed the line. and maybe i did. but my focus remained the entire time: no matter the outcome, i wanted to deal and be done with the issues that made that relationship fail. i don't want to be the person i was when i was with josh. i keep telling him i could do better, i could be a better girlfriend, if he'd just give me the chance. well, the truth is, i can be a better person, in general, but maybe it's just, in the end, for my own benefit, not for anyone else's.

that makes me sad, though.

i don't care who you are, or what you do. i don't care if you're ron jeremy. everyone wants to find true love. from the moment we're born until the moment we die, we want to feel and experience that high - the best feeling in the whole world.

maybe it's just the source of love differs from person to person.

sonya is smarter than she thinks. i mean, she inherently knows a lot more about love and relationships than she lets on. last night, while i adamently repeated how sure i was there was no one out there for me, she said that true love i'm searching for, that EVERYONE in the ENTIRE WORLD is searching for, is already within me. i can't express this any better than amy winhouse does, in one of my favourite songs:

i cannot play myself again
i should just be my own best friend
not fuck myself in the head with
stupid men

she's right. sonya's right. i really, really need to put my arms around myself and comfort myself and assure myself that i am here and i love myself and i'll never leave, i'll always be here when i need myself, to help me through the hard times, without any judgement or deception or alterior motives. i'll always be here for myself, and i need to love myself more than anyone else in the world, forever.

we're so good at comforting others. some of us are better than others when it comes to loving another person. but most of us seem to fall short when it comes to remembering that we are also human beings, we're also alive, we also have problems, we also get into trouble, we also hurt, we also cry, we also experience pain, and we need to hug ourselves and stroke our own hair and dry our own eyes and tell ourselves, no matter what anyone else thinks of us, or does to us, we'll never be alone and we'll never be without love or unloved - we will always have ourselves.

after that, i imagine loving someone else is easy and natural, like breathing. we have practice and we know how to do it. if we neglect and harm ourselves, we will, inevitably, neglect and harm others, even the people we say and think and believe we love. if we can't lend ourselves a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, how can we do these things for others?

i want to love someone in the same way i inhale and exhale. i want it to be part of me, something inherent, that i know, that i don't have to think about, try to do, or guess at. i want it to be as natural as my heart beat. i want someone else to look into my eyes and see how much i love me, and, in turn, understand how very intensely i can love him. i want someone to recognize i have so much to give, not because i buy him diamonds, not because i take care of him, not because i'm always there when he needs me, but because he sees everything i give myself, and understands that, because i love him, all of that is his to have, too.

that night at dinner the five of us also talked about "requirements" and "standards." i remember making a list once, when i was really, really young, of all the things i wanted in my perfect partner. that list included the fact he'd own a white hat, which should indicate pretty clearly i've long since strayed from what i thought was ideal.

i've realized since then it's better to just aspire to my own goals, rather than expect certain levels of achievement from others. what i have personally will be reflected in whoever is perfect for me. i don't have to worry about what this futuristic person has or doesn't have. if i'm a good person, if i strive to be such, if i live my life in such a way that i'm not doing harm to myself or others, and only bringing peace and joy and love to myself and to others, a person with exactly the same qualities will come to me. i hope.

so i started this entry with some of the things i'm NOT looking for. sometimes i worry i appear superficial/materialistic to people who don't know me. i'm really not. i buy clothes and things i like simply because i work and i get a paycheque in return for it. i'm a spender, but money's not important to me at all. so if i look inside myself, and choose the qualities i possess that are most important, those are the same ones i'm attracted to in another person.

i need someone sensitive. i'm really really sensitive. i need someone who understands how it feels to be that way.

i give people the benefit of the doubt. i need someone who does the same, who doesn't judge, who takes and spends the time to get to know someone really well.

i forgive people for their shortcomings. one of my worst qualities, i think, is that i'm moody, and i often can't explain my moods or what triggers them. i need someone who understands i love them even during my worst moods, and knows these things always blow over eventually.

i love too much and too hard. i can give all of myself, everything i have, inside and outside, to make another person a little bit happier. i need someone who can share themselves with me in that way, too.

i love being outside. i want to see everything. i think people find it easy enough to say they want to travel and see the world, but not all those people are actually willing to follow through with those dreams. time, money, life seem to get in the way of a lot of people. i need someone who really plans to do these things, and who'll come with me wherever, whenever i go.

i need someone who, like me, doesn't love money, doesn't think it's the most important thing in the world to stockpile and save. like i said, i don't want to pay for an expensive wedding, i'm not thinking of buying a stupid condo in some stupid boxy building. my money is for doing the things i like, when i like. i need someone who feels the same way and doesn't criticize me for not saving for my retirement.

i get scared. i need someone who may also be scared of life, but who's confronted those fears, like i'm trying to do. i need someone who is on the same journey i am, toward finding out life can be pretty great and the world can be a non-threatening place if you confront these things with the right attitude.

i need someone who has struggled through pain like i have, because i need him to understand how much pain i am capable of feeling, and to tell me it's ok, we all have our own ways of dealing with hurt, and mine isn't any worse than anyone else's methods.

what's mine is yours. i share everything i have with everyone i know. i need someone who'll share everything he has with me, too, no holds barred.

i cry, maybe more than i want to, maybe more than i should, but i need someone who can cry like i do, without reserve, without feeling bad about it.

there's so much more... i'll try to write more later.

ps. how can you be satisfied with it is what it is, when the only thing you want in the whole wide world is for it to be what it was?