just felt like saying hi this morning... i took what you said to heart, and have been trying to be mindful and respectful of the time and space you asked for. i know i most likely need it, too. still hard, though, when funny things happen to me on a daily basis and i wish i could tell you (no one else would get it)!

i'm doing great! i've been running a lot, reading a lot, working a lot, and doing some freelance writing, too. every penny is going to my trip this summer - saving is hard when there are so many nice jeans to buy... :oS (i have been so good, though, even when it comes to starbucks - i'm proud of myself!)

no boyfriend yet. my cousin tiah encouraged me to try going online, and i did for about a day and a half before quitting. it's really not for me.

anyway, i've been carrying around this feeling of missing you for a few days now. i do miss you a lot francoise... you're still so important.

in fact, whatever changes i am going through have a lot to do with you. when you left, it was the worst, and i didn't know what right from wrong in terms of handling it. i was acting in a daze; it was really not clear to me that i was being given the opportunity to heal myself. i know it took a very long time, and i put you and myself through a lot, but i am grateful for finally having come to this point right now. i want my life to be a good one, and i want to be happy, no matter the circumstances. it's really hard work, but i've been concentrating on healing and changing, on being a better person, daughter, friend, colleague. one day it'll all add up to me being a better girlfriend. i think i'm on a good path now - a challenging one, but definitely the right one. i know i have a lot of good things to look forward to, but i've really just been concentrating on loving everything about this very moment, and it's helped me more than i can say.

the other day i was watching a trailer for the sex and the city movie (yay!), the title song of which goes like this: "i've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter, but i think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore."

those words floored me. it's so true. happiness will never come from blame or hurt, and it won't ever come from the past, either. i don't think it's about forgiving anyone in particular, but just accepting whatever happened, learning from it, and letting go, no matter what has been lost. actually, now i see that losing is really gaining. i know you lost as much as i did, but since then you've gained so much. my gains may not be as apparent as yours, but i can feel and see them in the way i'm thinking now, and in the way i'm relating to everyone around me. being happy here and now is the most precious thing i can think of possessing, and i feel, for the first time in my life, like it's possible for me to attain, which is beyond amazing. and, in part, i have you to thank. like i said, i never would have tried so hard to change if you hadn't shown me how much i needed to if i wanted to keep living this life. thank you :o)

i really hope you're well and happy. you know i love you deeply.