me me me me me... not a novel

i feel something new. i'm so happy, so excited, to be ME. so looking forward to being my best self. so optimistic, so completely and totally sure of the infinite moments and possibilities that shape my life. i can't be anyone else. i can't borrow the skin of another, not even for a day. we're all made of the same stuff, anyway. it wouldn't do me any good to have blonde hair, to not be 5'6", to earn more money, or own different things. everything i need is inside me, and i don't need to change it or swap it in for something else. i can't wait to use all this potential, to be happy, to create a life i love, to see and do and be the things i always wanted.

i can't believe there was a time, not so long ago, when i truly did not think i deserved any of this. when i truly thought negativity and disappointment and rejection was who i was. when i was so sure nothing could, would ever get better. when i so tragically did not believe in myself. when i hated myself so much that i stopped taking care of me. i stopped loving me. (until this point, i don't think i ever did love me. i didn't know it was possible to love oneself. i didn't think it was necessary.)

i wish i'd known this feeling years ago, but it was the pain and suffering of those years that pushed me to this point, and i don't regret a single day, a single loss, a single mistake, a single bad decision. all were necessary to get me to this exact spot, where i stand right now. all were necessary to bring me this feeling that is beyond exhilerating, that surpasses by millions and billions of light years any possible joy or hope i ever thought i could possess.

i can't wait to find out what the future holds, always brighter and brighter things. but, at the same time, i can wait, and i want to wait, if waiting is even possible. because i now realize all that matters is this one single moment in time. the knowledge that this moment, so full of life and energy and flowering potential, will bring me to the next and the next and the next moment of life, leaves me more grateful than a queen who possesses all the riches in the world.

thank god. thank god i am here, now. i honestly could not and do not ask for a single thing more. this is all i need now, all i'll ever need. this single moment, and me. the possibilities are endless and life is spectacular. there's nothing more to want or ask for. i am so grateful. with all my heart, all my soul, all my self, and all my being, i am so incredibly, eternally, vastly grateful for this moment and for me. and for everything, exactly as it is. i wouldn't change a thing about any of it, ever. :o)