they say everything happens for a reason.

i have had more than two years to contemplate why my relationship with josh ended. and so far i have only been able to come up with one answer.

josh was my chance. he was very good to me and i treated him badly. he put up with it for two years and then he decided he had enough, so he left me. when he left, he took with him everything i had, and everything i hoped for. i had nothing left when he left, and today, two years later, i have little more than that.

i have realized that, while some people get more than one chance in life, i won´t be getting any more chances. no one else is going to come along and love me like josh did. i had a chance at happiness and a family and a real future in toronto with josh, and i blew it. the game is over for me.

i am almost 30. i have not met anyone new in the past two and a half years. there is too much competition out there. why would someone want to be with me, when there are so many younger, prettier, more fun girls out there? the answer is simple: they wouldn´t, and they don´t.

josh is lucky. age doesn´t matter when you are male. it only applies to females. he met someone else, someone much younger than me, and now he´s in love, and flaunting it all over the internet. and what do i have to show for the past couple of years? nothing at all. just more wrinkles and a lot of clothes that don´t fit me anymore.

i´m not going to commit suicide, but i want you to know i strongly feel (and have always felt, whether i expressed it or not) that life simply isn´t worth living if you have to go through it alone. how will i survive another 10, 20, 30, 40, or 50 years by myself? how will it feel to go to wedding after wedding, always single? how will i be able to handle watching my friends and my sister get married and have children, knowing it will never happen for me? who will i share my life with? who will take care of me when i´m old? there won´t be anyone, and i´m sure it will be a miserable end to a sad existence.

i am writing this because i realized it all very clearly on this trip. josh wasn´t a means to an end, a necessary tragedy that would eventually, inevitable lead to something even better. he was an opportunity for me, and i blew it. and believe me, i am paying for it dearly now.

2.5 years ago i thought i would be able to look back and answer my question - why did this happen? - with a positive response. i felt sure i would be able to meet someone in 2.5 years´time. but it hasn´t happened, and i´ve only gotten older, and i now know it´s not meant to be. i´m tired of pretending it will. i know i will never again be in a relationship. it hasn´t happened yet, in 2.5 years, so why should i keep on believing it ever will?

i am not sure i deserve to carry all the blame and consequent suffering of our relationship. josh was no angel, and it seems he has escaped not only unscathed, but happier and better off than before. why am i taking the whole punishment for everything that happened? maybe i was or am worse than i thought. maybe i really deserve it.

anyway, life is going to be really hard, and i´ll never be able to accept a) that being alone is fine and b) that what happened happened for a good reason. nothing about this feels good to me.

if you have a better answer to my question, i would sincerely like to hear it. because as of now, i´m officially giving up.