my baby's got blue skies up ahead, and to him i'm a rain cloud

well, i think this really means it's over.

he blocked me from his facebook. i know that because i can't find his profile anywhere, and all the e-mails he sent me now show a stylized blue question mark where his picture used to be.

last night, this really broke my heart (as does most everything these days). but, after a restless night, i decided i am, once again, choosing to see things the way i assume them to be (negative or bad). i assumed he blocked me because he hates me and wants me out of his life. but does facebook really count as his whole life? i understand the gesture is not a friendly one, in the overall scheme of things, but i'm not sure i have to take it as such a personal insult. maybe he's as tired as i am of "this." maybe this is one of the things he needs to do to "move on" (the quotation marks acknowledge that his "moving on" is much different than my "moving on").

today, i still miss him. terribly.

"i love you terribly, noey," he used to tell me all the time.

i don't doubt i will love again, be in love again, have someone love me again. but, right now, despite the fact many of my friends and family members think it has taken way too long for me to heal, i don't look forward to that. i mean, it scares me to think of loving and being loved by someone else. right now, i still want him, and only him. i don't want to love someone else the way i loved him. i don't want anyone else to love me like he did. and i especially don't want him to love someone other than me, even though i can't say with one hundred percent certainty he loves me anymore. at one point, not too long ago, i could have said that. not anymore.

i'm still hoping for some day, i guess... i'm still hoping he has a change of mind... and a change of heart.

i love him so much.