i'm sure that what i want, what everyone wants, is true love. i'm not after a ring or marriage, i don't have an overwhelming desire to have a child, someday maybe, but not for a while, but it would be so nice to have someone to... do stuff with, to run with, to take wally out with, to cuddle with, to sleep in with, to hold my hand, to push my hair behind my ears, to look into my eyes, to tell me he adores me, to plan trips with, to go away with, to drive around with, to shop with, to live with, to talk with, to cry to, to be held by... i feel so all alone, and it's not that i don't love myself, i am trying very hard to, and it's not that i'm denying myself things, i'm trying not to, and it's not that i haven't been happier lately, but i'm scared because j was very rare, at least in my experience, in that there were no games from the start, he fell in love with me right away and he told me how he felt. he always wanted me to be with him and he didn't take days to call me. i knew exactly where he stood and i'm so scared of the games men play because of how very, very hurtful and painful they are, especially for me.

i want that feeling back.

i'm not sure whether he deserves it more than i do, but i don't get why i haven't felt it since him. i want someone to just believe in me, and love me for me, and i know it's not something i can ask for but i want it soon, not in 10 years, and i definitely am scared that it's the kind of thing that will only happen to me once, and i won't get it again in this lifetime.

i'm so scared of guys. of course if i met someone and that feeling was there from the first, and i could fall in love with him and feel very safe and secure and sure the whole time, j would only be a memory to me, he wouldn't have this hold on me that he does now.

i feel scared about guys, because they can sense this fear about me, and they want nothing to do with it. but i don't know how not to be scared. i have been played many, many times, in small ways and in large ways, and i can't go through it anymore. but i don't want to be alone, either.

i feel stuck and awful and miserable and hopeless and fearful and jealous and so terribly terribly sad and sick and dizzy...

i just want someone to tell his friends, "i just met this girl... and i haven't known her very long... but she's so amazing. she's beautiful and brilliant and she cracks me up, and all i wanna do is be with her all day long, every single day... and when i look in her eyes, she's the most beautiful, amazing thing i have ever seen, and i feel so lucky to have her..."

because that's what i had with j, and those are the things he told me and his friends and his mom and his siblings and his co-workers and whoever else would listen... and i'm scared you only get that once in a lifetime.

i'm so fucking scared. of everything. of meeting someone and of not meeting someone.

what the fuck did i do to get myself into this horrible situation? how could i have once had so much happiness, and now... this. nothing but darkness and pain and sadness, so much so that i can hardly stand it anymore.

i can't believe i lost the light that made my life so bright, and now i'm back here in the dark, alone and terrified, without anyone who can hug me and tell me it'll be ok...