yeah, she's blonde, but you couldn't have picked someone who is more like me, could you? someone who is willing to fall for your story and say "i love you" back after just a month. how can you love someone in any intelligent, committed way without even giving yourself an opportunity to know their flaws? like i keep saying, i may have said "i love you" when you did, so soon after we met, and yes, i cared for you deeply all along, but, being an insightful person, i can look back and guage my feelings, and relate them to each other over time. i definitely did not fall in love with you in any reasonable, mature, responsible, REAL, unbreakable way until we'd lived together for a couple years and i discovered all your imperfections - and knew i loved you in spite of - no, BECAUSE of them.
but here you are, doing the same thing you did to me, to a person so much like me - someone emotional enough and sensitive enough and absorbing enough to reflect whatever emotions you may be feeling at any given moment in time back to you, without questioning your intentions.
i for one will NEVER again say "i love you" after a month. from now on, that's a big red flag to me, and i will run the other way. fast.
here's what you did to me, in short. and what you'll do to her, soon enough. you sought me out - someone deep and caring enough to take on all your bad feelings, all your negative thoughts, all your black spots, all your badness, all your fears and regrets and humiliations and anger and hatred and pessimism and negativity and intolerance and oversensitivity and jealousy and guilt and greed - and told me you loved me so you could put all that shit on me. transfer everything bad that had happened to you in your life onto me. yeah, i wasn't perfect, and i'll say it here, in public, to anyone who cares to read it, i let me hurt and my pain from being possessed by you and ignored by you and manipulated by you and overlooked by you get out of control, and i hit you, i harmed you, physically, and i told you i hated you, i never loved you, i was leaving you, repeatedly. i know there's no room in a real relationship for any of that bullshit. but you had no right to make me caqrry all your baggage, only to eventually turn around, look me in the eyes, and hate what you saw - YOU - enough to just abandon me.
you made me into you, the same person you were/are, cause you hate yourself, you're ashamed of yourself, and you know life doesn't cater to you exclusively, and you can't handle that. so you made me the centre of your universe, you made me give up my friends (your stupid jealousy), you cut me down and ignored everything that was important to me until there was nothing left to me - to noa - at all. nothing but what you had made me, which was a version of yourself.
when you did look me in the eye, and you saw how horrible the person looking back at you had become - the person you had made in your likeness, because she was so open to loving you, she was so committed to caring for you, that she let herself take on and put up with all the bullshit you put on her - your only solution was to leave me. in fact, you were looking at a reflection of yourself, and since you can't stand yourself, you couldn't stick around. you couldn't really be in love with the person you saw, because you don't and have never loved yourself.
i'm not saying i never loved you - just the opposite. i know what i felt for you was the real deal, the whole nine yards, true fucking love. i know this because, like i said, i didn't love you after a month of you wining and dining me and putting me up on a pedestal. i really fell in love after all the pampering and princessing stopped, and you started treating me like you treat yourself. you started ignoring me - i felt like i was talking to a brick wall, even though we lived together. you started taking back promises you'd made to me. you started using your standard answer, "I DON'T KNOW," rather than ever have a real conversation with me. you started to forget me, my interests, my likes, my dislikes, my passions, my wants, my needs, my desires (not surprising - i let myself lose all these things that made me ME, too, while i struggled under the weight of the emotional grief and pain you forced me to take on for you). you forgot my birthday, xmas, valentine's day. who cares about these things, i mean materially, except they're each an opportunity to remind someone you still love them. you stopped saying "i love you." you stopped loving me and you started resenting and then hating me. but i wasn't me. i was what you made me. i was you.
and you're doing the same thing now. you've found the same girl. she's willing to fall for "i love you" after just one month. someone smarter and older and wiser would know that's bullshit - it can't be meaningful after a month. but she's an empty vessel, and she desperately wanted to find someone (seemingly) like you. have you told her yet your famous line? "daddy didn't love me..." i bet you'll not say a single word more to her about it, like you did to me. that's your way of getting in, of being the "sensitive" guy, the guy that needs his girl to take care of him, to handle his bad feelings, his outbursts, his jealousy. you'll use "daddy" to get exactly what you want from her, every time.
so yeah, same girl, same deal. i think back to your ex before me. i know she's a nice person. i doubt she did anything to wrong you. i bet you did the same thing to her. you made her carry you and all your bullshit, and when the day came that you realized she'd transformed into someone or something other than herself, someone more like you than you'd ever admit, someone you felt sorry for, who had nothing, who was mean and spiteful and so incredibly narcissitic - YOU -you left her. you just couldn't stand her anymore. you couldn't stand being with her, being around her, just like you can't stand being around yourself, being yourself.
so one month or so in, and you're in love. funny, the girl you left, the one sitting here writing this, is actually the one who's really in love with you now, in a way that could change your life for the better. this new one won't be in love with you in any meaningful way until it's too late. right now, she thinks you're too good to be true. she probably pinches herself each morning when she wakes up, like i used to, because you are so unbelievable. a guy, a good-looking guy, a smart guy, an athlete, a hard worker, who is emotional and sensitive and caring at the same time. who sends flowers on every occasion, who never forgets to call. who says "i love you" so soon, to someone who's never heard those three words before. who waits to sleep with you, because he "respects you." honey, if you're reading this, RUN. i was you. i was in your position. so was heidi. it won't last. it CANNOT last. this isn't josh. the person you think you know so well and love so much - this isn't the josh heidi and i knew by the end of our relationships with him.
he is NOT a bad person and i DO love him, with all of my stupid little broken heart. but i know him like you don't. and i love him like you won't for a long, long time. and when he's stripped you of all you are (see, right now he is treating you like a princess to gain your trust, so he can destroy you) and he looks at you and sees nothing but a reflection of everything he hates about himself, he will up and leave you, without a second thought. he didn't care when he left me. he didn't care about our so-called "commitment." we had none, because he never fell in love with me. he couldn't have, because he isn't even close to loving himself.
i feel like i could go on and on, but reading this back it makes it seem like i hated the guy, or still do. just the opposite - poor fucking me. i love him more than anything, still, and it feels so impossible to move on, and it hurts so much that after everything, after i did everything in my power to make it up to him, after i helped him in every way i could, after i gave him so fucking much - i gave him ALL of me, everything i had, everything i was - he's "in love" with someone else.
i do love him. but i'll never see him again.
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i forgot to mention. shortly after josh left me, i changed jobs. on my first day, my new boss handed me a questionnaire. the company i was working for was young and "funky," and liked to post quirky profiles of all its staff on the intranet. i took a look at question 1 - what do you do for fun? i couldn't think of anything, since josh had left, since he'd dictated what kind of fun we had. if he wanted to stay home, we stayed home. if i heard of an event i wanted to check out, or wanted to go out for drinks with my friends after work, he would lay into me for being selfish. and if i went to these things on my own, he'd be up fuming when i got home, accusing me of cheating, asking me what kind of guys were there, asking why i'd worn what i wore. i decided to skep to question 2 - what kind of music do you listen to? well, i didn't know. only josh's music ever played at our house. he hated my music - it wasn't "alternative" enough for him. skip to question 3 - what are your hobbies? again, i would read at home while josh played basketball, went to concerts, went out with his friends, played video games, edited his movies on the computer, downloaded his music, watched porn, etc. i had no hobbies of my own left. i was scared to, because i didn't want to be accused of being unfaithful. staying home was easier. cleaning up after him was easier. having dinner waiting for him was easier - even when he didn't come home to eat it. waiting up for him, worrying when he never called, was easier than going out and being myself and having friends and having fun than having to explain myself to him when i got home. as i ran through the questions on that survey, i realized i was gone. noa was gone. the girl i'd known, who had plenty of problems, but lots going for her, had totally disappeared, disintegrated into nothing because she wanted him, she cared for him, she needed him. this great looking guy, who was sensitive, who cried often in front of her, who treated her like a princess - only to throw her princessy attitude back in her face years later - was too good to be true. i should have listened to that intuition from the start. and so should you.
1. he lavishes you with attention and love.
2. he tells you he loves you after a month or so.
3. you tell him you love him back - he's like the knight in shining armor who has ridden in on his white horse to save you, just like you have imagined it happening since you were a little girl.
4. he can't stand living without you - you spend all your time together.
5. if you want to go out with friends, he starts acting jealous. you think it's sweet - he loves you and wants to protect you.
6. he introduces you to his mom, and says he loves you in front of her.
7. he introduces you to his little brother, who is (rightly) the most important person in his life.
8. you move in together. it's all happening so fast. but you are so "in love," you hardly have time to think about that.
9. living together is great... at first.
10. you start realizing he isn't perfect, and you start wanting more and more to take better and better care of him - this is what he wants.
11. you start changing - your lifestyle, your tastes, your preferences, your interests - to suit his/him. after all, taking good care of this flawed guy who loves you so much is your number one priority.
12. he starts neglecting you. ignoring you. ignoring your feelings. you ask him to notice. he sort of does, but falls back into his bad habits.
13. you start acting out to get his attention (because simply being yourself no longer seems to work like it did at the beginning). i became violent after a while, which made me the villain. all i really wanted was to be acknowledged as a person, an individual, and to be trusted.
(NOTE: i cheated on josh within the first month of meeting him. i'm not sure we'd decided to be exclusive then, but i admit, it was a very poor decision on my part, and i spent the rest of our three years together trying to make it up to him. he said he forgave me, and he should have done just that, cause i never did anything to betray his trust again. but, in fact, he was lying. he held that one act over my head for the rest of our knowing each other. trust me, he was never planning on letting me forget what i did, and what a bad person i was for it, again. personally, i know i could forgive someone who was truly sorry, who i TRULY loved, for anything they did, no matter what. he couldn't do the same for me, though he should have.)
14. he starts warning you to quit pushing him
15. but you see, it's a vicious circle. he ignores you or deflates you or forgets you or disregards you. you feel hurt and angered. you lash out. he warns you to stop pushing him. and on and on it goes.
16. the fights get worse. the accusations get worse. you feel like you have nothing, like you've lost everything that was important to you. it's because you have. you've taken on his life, his emotional baggage, his feelings for him, cause you loved him and you thought he loved you, you were willing to give yourself up for him, willing to commit your life to him, no matter, what, through thick and thin... but he has not made the same commitment to you. he's used you to take his anger about his dad, himself, his life, the fact he's not the best brother he should be, the fact he's not this perfect person he seems to be on the outside, the fact he's so terrified to face up to his problems, to own up to his mistakes, to take care of who he is, to fix his problems before he can be available to really love someone.
17. and now that you've filled his purpose, and you've lost that dazzling beautiful person he was once so attracted to, you are nothing to him. so it's easy to leave you.
18. and since you've lost it all, you have nothing left. no one to turn to. nothing to lean on. nothing left that's exclusively yours. and it feels like your whole world is gone, like you're living a nightmare, like this can't be real. cause you've lost him, and, in effect, you've lost everything, including yourself.
19. and when i say i'll never see him again, it's a promise to myself, that i will never allow him to see me again. because i know the day will come when you will no longer be enough, and he'll start looking for something else, someone else, a new empty vessel to fill up with his bullshit. and i know a voice in his mind, maybe even my own voice, the e-mails i sent him, the letters i wrote to him, asking him, pleading with him, begging him to come back to me and give me my life back, will speak up and remind him... noa used to love you. she said she always would. she told you to come back to her when you were ready, and she would love you again and be there for you again, no matter what, like nothing had happened, like nothing had ever gone wrong, like her heart had never shattered, like you'd never left her, like you'd never broken her heart a million times. he'll hear this voice whispering to him and he'll contact me. and i will not be here like i said. because i am learning, slowly, to love myself again. to shine again like i used to. to be dazzling again like a star, like a bright little bird flying to find her destiny. and he can't take it away from me again, not a second time.
19. so no matter how much you love him, girlie, it's not possible to love this one enough... simply because he does not love himself. he will turn on you, and you won't know what hit you. it will be the worst thing you will ever feel in your life, the most horrifying pain you can imagine. because he'll leave you, and he'll take everything that is you with him. you'll have nothing left, and you won't have him.
20. so no matter how much i love him, and i do, i can't help it but i do, because he's so frail and because he needs so much help, i love him like i imagine i would my child, or even my own soul, i will never see him again, and he will never take me away from myself again. i am looking for someone who loves me for me. who loves himself enough to love me for all that i am, good and bad. for someone who'll really be my friend, cause friends stick by you when you're down, and friends don't require you to conform to their standards. a real friend, my best friend, my soul mate. i know when i find him, i'll always have him. because/and i'll get to keep myself, too.
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