achey breaky heart

today, my heart hurts A LOT. it's like this numb, gnawing pain inside my chest. my insides feel all tight, and my stomach's in knots. maybe i have a premonition that something else is going to happen to hurt me. at this point, i really don't want to experience any more pain. i feel really fragile, like one more insult or disappointment or mean word or broken promise could have more serious repercussions than usual. i have tried to be productive this morning. i e-mailed a close friend's mom to see if she could have tea with me sometime, because i know everyone else around me is sick of hearing about my problems (or what i imagine to be my problems). my mum certainly doesn't understand. i don't blame her (or any of my friends) - i should not feel so bad about this, at least not anymore. and i should have more confidence in myself and a higher self-esteem - i should know that this is not the end of the world for me, and that i'm simply an unlucky person who deserves less than others. i know that's just my mind or ego talking, trying to convince me i'm worth less than i actually am. i guess the problem is i'm basing my feelings on another person's feelings about me, and since he does not think highly of me anymore, or does not love me most anymore (or at all), i really take a lot of anger and sadness out on myself, and blame myself for making that happen. but could i have really prevented it from happening? yes, there are many things i should not have done during our relationship, but god knows i tried my best to make up for them. i realize that may have been too little, too late. but i feel like forgiveness shouldn't be this difficult. i guess what my mum says is right: "you have to come to terms with the fact he doesn't want you anymore." i guess i do have to come to terms with that, but i don't know how. as badly as i feel about myself, as much as i blame myself and beat myself up for what happened, i can't shake the feeling that it's a total waste, to have someone love you as much as i love him, and to just throw that person away. doesn't everyone want to be loved like that? maybe not. maybe other people don't need that in their lives like i do. i'm sure that's another thing i am doing wrong. i'm not oblivious to advice. i know you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. i know you're supposed to be ok on your own before someone comes into your life in that way. i know being too dependent on a partner is a recipe for disaster. i'm trying my best, and i am alone, and i wonder what else i need to do, how much harder i need to try, to get the things i really want in life? my last post talks about giving in to the possibility i may never fall in love again or have someone love me back or get married or anything like that, and making plans to prepare for that possibility. but everyone who knows me knows that i don't want that to happen. i'm pretty sure i don't want another 50 years of this kind of feeling, of being alone. and i don't really want to see italy and greece by myself. and i don't want to have to face everything by myself. and i don't want everything i have to give to go to waste. i wish i knew what was going to happen, so i could put an end to things if i see i am going to struggle with this forever. the other part is how scared i am, scared to be hurt again and left again. i don't want to spend another five years feeling things for someone, only to have them leave in the end. i know i am responsible only for my own actions, and that's scary, because that means, no matter what i do, even if i do everything right, another person with a mind and agenda of their own could still hurt me and abandon me. i don't want to feel this kind of pain, ever. so there's another contradiction - i want to be in a relationship, but i don't want to suffer the repercussions of that relationship failing. and i don't want to be alone, but i don't want another person to hurt me again the way i've been hurt. maybe this is why i feel like i'm having a heart attack - i don't know what to do anymore, and my thoughts race and change to the point i can't make any good decisions. i just don't want to hurt anymore. but i don't know how to make it stop.